You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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