I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
