My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
What a dumb baby whore.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
