So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
