my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
