Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
