so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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