i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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