I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
