I'm lost and stupid without you.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
