i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
