We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
