hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
