Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
