is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
