Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
