there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
