lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
