the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
