i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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