Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
