Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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