i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
