Just fell off a train. Bad.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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