Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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