Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
