Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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