Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
