Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
