my phone needs a breathalizer
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
