Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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