I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
