you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
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She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
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Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize