Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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