My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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