I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
