Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
