I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
