omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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