Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
