I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
