she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
