I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
