My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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