I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
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Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
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It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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