I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
