I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
