Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
