In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
