Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
