i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
