i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
