nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
