HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Vodka?
Forever.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
