thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
