I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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