Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
