Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
