Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
