There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
